Setting Boundaries
Important to establish boundaries
2002-07-15By Charlotte Lankard
Never trust a naked man who wants to give you the shirt off his back
—and other important
truths to teach your children. Examples: Self care is not selfishness. If someone is mistreating
you or misusing your time, you are cooperating. Respecting others is allowing them to struggle
and become stronger as they work out their own problems. To be truly helpful to another person,
you must first take care of yourself. Telling the truth is never unloving. Depending on the parents
who raised us, however, we are often taught that being nice is more important than being
truthful; going along, even when we don't want to, is kind rather than rude; and pretending
everything is OK, when it really is not, is loving. The result is children and adults who do not
know how to set appropriate boundaries to honor and protect themselves. Setting boundaries
means taking care of yourself, no matter what happens, where you go or who you are with.
Boundaries emerge from the belief that what you want, need, like and dislike are important. They
emerge as you learn to value, trust and listen to yourself. And then it is vital you convey that to
the people in your life. The purpose of having and setting boundaries is not to build thick walls
around yourself to keep people away from you. It is to gain enough security and sense of self to
get close to other people without losing yourself or smothering the other person. Being
supportive of another and being helpful is not the same as doing for them what they should be
doing for themselves. Setting boundaries is understanding where I end and you begin, and not
moving into your space without asking permission. If permission is denied (a boundary is set), I
need to back off and go on about my business, while you take care of yours. And it is important
to understand that is not rejection. Growing up in a preacher's home, I got the idea that my job
was to meet other people's needs. While that sounds helpful and perhaps desirable, I found that I
assumed that meant taking care of others, even if it meant neglecting myself. However, if you do
that long enough, at some point you find you are “used up.” Some people call that burn- out. And
you will find yourself exhausted, not helpful to anybody, less effective in your work and feeling
resentful. Maya Angelou’s Never trust a naked man who wants to give you the shirt off his
back
tells me if you are not taking care of yourself, why should I believe you can take care of
me? Setting boundaries is respectful, loving and healthy for yourself—and others. Setting
boundaries is a key to building and sustaining loving relationships.
Charlotte Lankard, marriage and family therapist, is director of the James L. Hall Center for
Mind, Body and Spirit at Integris. E-mail her at clankard@cox.net.
Parents of teens recorded message (405) 629-6384
